dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just google imaged poop.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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