Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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