New invention idea: vibrating tampons
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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