Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
