I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
