your parents love me but you hate me
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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