last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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