Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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