I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
