You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
even my farts smell like vagina
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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