UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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