Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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