i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
