Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
