im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
