At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
