hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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