Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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