I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
