she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
