Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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