In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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