Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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