Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
