i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
