I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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