twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
