I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
