Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
