Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
