I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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