final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I have tasted many bathrooms
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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