The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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