Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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