I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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