i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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