I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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