He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
