he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The chlamydia really affected his face.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
