Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
