Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Little spoons don't ask big questions
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
