eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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