That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
