I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
