I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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