He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
