Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
