bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
