Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
