Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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