I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
