I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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