Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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