Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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