There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
