i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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