Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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