it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
false alarm, still single
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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