you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
