It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
