Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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